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For those of you who don’t know, my girlfriend is the writer of ThatMutt.com. We have been dating for over two years now. We have many things in common, like, we both play rugby, enjoy music, competition, outdoor activities and traveling. On the reverse side, I am very extroverted and she is quite introverted. This post is dedicated to all the boyfriends or girlfriends with an introverted companion.

1. Introverts don’t make quick decisions. If you want a direct answer to a question, limit the possibilities to two answers. If you ask an open-ended question, you will get the usual response of “I don’t care.” Say we are planning a dinner out and haven’t decided where to go yet. I will ask, “Would you like to go to Olive Garden or Red Lobster?” If she prefers one or the other, she will say so. If she doesn’t like either one, she will also normally voice her opinion. I ask in this matter when I don’t have a preference, simply to save time in guessing.

2 . Just because they are quiet doesn’t mean they are upset. When I am angry, tired, upset or exhausted, it is easy to see why. When my girlfriend is quiet, it could simply mean she is just thinking or reflecting. She often uses down time to reflect and consider options, life issues or to mentally map out the tasks ahead, whereas I tend to crash into things as they come and deal with the mess afterwards. So when I see her pondering, I think something is the matter. Often times she isn’t upset or angry but rather considering.

3. Give them time to unwind. I feed off energy. A fast tempo and a lot going on tends to drive me like a steam engine. When the fire settles down, I quick look for a new source of fuel to fan the flames again. She, on the other hand, needs to take a mental break and unwind from the chaos she just witnessed. It is probably a good thing that I have this sort of balance in my life in order to bring some rest time for me. By choice, I would probably avoid sitting idle at all costs. It’s like how deep sea divers are required to spend time in decompression after hours of work in the ocean’s depths.

4. Talking is not a necessity. I can talk and talk and talk. Lindsay, on the other hand, doesn’t feel the need to fill the void with words. Take for instance, if we go to a movie. When it is over, I love to talk about it and see what thoughts it provoked. She never has much to say about the movie immediately afterwards. She would rather think the movie over first and form her own opinions, then talk about it later. But for me, my thoughts and opinions form while talking about the experience, not before.

5. Challenge them. Like I mentioned before, we balance each other out. I challenge and stretch her social side, while she grounds me in knowing it’s okay to take a break sometimes. I doubt that Lindsay would have ever decided to cliff jump if it weren’t for me challenging her. I am not saying the introverts don’t love excitement just that it is good to challenge and stretch them in different situations.

6. Don’t interrupt them. My experience with introverts is they hate to be interrupted. When they are giving their thoughts or opinion on a matter, you can be sure it has been well thought out and processed before doing so. They like to have a firm grasp on the subject at hand before sharing their thoughts. I on the other hand think and speak from the hip and get excited doing so. This is probably why I loved impromptu speaking in speech and debate. This fly by the seat of my pants approach to speaking also gets my in trouble in a structured setting and I tend to step on some toes in the process. I’m a work in progress.

7. Ask questions. Unless asked or provoked on certain subjects, Lindsay will probably not broach a subject unless it’s hard pressing. Unless you ask questions to things you want answers for, you will probably keep getting those very limited responses like “I don’t know” or “I don’t care.” I can’t stand these limited answers to things I am interested in and typically continue to ask questions.

8. Give them a verbal map. When Lindsay and I are going to a conference or a family engagement, I find planning is vital. She can appear to be content one minute, but ready to run out the building in less than 5 minutes because she needs a break or has had enough. This can be avoided by letting the introvert know what the plan is in advance. I would love to sit and chat with random strangers for hours if the topic is interesting to me, but for Lindsay, this is not the case. I tell her the meeting or gathering is planning to do X and will take approximately X amount of time. Then things tend to go a lot better because she can prepare ahead of time, knowing how much mental energy the event will take up. Plus she can schedule in her own breaks. When engagements are open ended and without direction, she and I tend to run into conflict.

9. Listen. If Lindsay thinks I am not listening, then her feelings are easily hurt. This is because if she is going to voice her opinion on a subject, she has most likely planned and thought ahead on it. When she says something, she expects me to listen. This is different from my thought process, because I often just speak without thinking first, so I tend to overlook the vested interest she has put into what she is saying.

10. Encourage them to express themselves. In general, introverts do not show as much emotion as extroverts. I’m not talking about just crying and laughing. I mean anger, hurt, excitement, whatever it may be. Introverts and extroverts experience the same emotions, they just don’t show them the same way. I have to remind myself that just because Lindsay is not showing something, it doesn’t mean she isn’t feeling it. When she does decide to express something a little more than usual, I try to encourage her.

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